Wasting Time

Is the worst thing you can do. It's the same thing as wasting life and wasting my youth. I need to get busy.

I'm Really Upset

I talked to Robert...he thinks he's doing better without my nagging and bitching he says his mind is at ease but to me he's doing very bad. He's getting himself into some serious trouble that I don't know if there's any coming back from.
I can tell he's changing but in very bad ways. It's scary. I don't like it. I haven't moved on from him obviously it's too soon but I think I might. I don't like the direction he is going and it's all bullshit to me. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm worried out of my mind. I don't want to wait until October I need to know he's okay everyday. The fucking people in his life either don't know what's going on or don't care. I think they're pretty capable of knowing what's going on though unless he already made up some lie.
I gotta let him know what's on my mind.

Heartbeat

Sounds exactly like a train...chugga chugga chugga chugga lol. My baby is alive.
The Dr stuck that thing in me to do the pelvic exam. She lubed that shit the fuck UP.
Since I haven't had sex in a long time it really hurt to even have her fingers in there :'( I usually get the slow motions when a man does it lol.
I may possibly get to find out the gender next appointment. September 19th. I think it'll still be too soon.
I hope it's a boy so bad. I felt so much closer to them today. I thought of Robert...how is face would've been...I think his heart would've been beating fast too.
I love you both. Baby Gonzalez-Hernandez and Robert.

Not To Compare

But I thought about what I would be giving up if I lost Jordan. This dude has such a bad reputation but only I know what happened between us. He and I actually. He has kept my secrets, took me on dates, got me gifts when we dated, picked me up when I needed him, attempted to improve me on numerous occasions and is overall an inspiration to me. He has wonderful morals.

My family has tortured this poor soul and he never gave up. I've tortured him. He still cares. I've never received bad advice from him.

Who is anyone to tell me he treated me bad? What has he done?

And Andy...lol my sweetheart. This guy has such a big heart and a great family. Andy would go any distance to hangout with me and always has ideas on what to do. He was a great listener and consistent texting buddy. Andy isn't picky and may be spoiled but he still knows how to make it up.

Salvador...man I don't even know where to start...this guy...was like my human diary. I was myself with him at all times. Effortless friendship. We were happy doing nothing together. I wish we were still talking Ninja. You were the only one who could handle my mood swings the proper way.
  

You 3 were my holy trinity of guy friends. All so different...yet I got along with all of you in my own ways.

I Can't Wait

Until October. I got some cutsie pregnant ideas lol. I gotta borrow somebody's kid that day...
I wanna dress my dogs up. Lol. It's cuter on little dogs.

Second Trimester

You feel way better like they said you would. Today is officially my first day of my second trimester. Now the baby will grow more rapidly than ever. I have some serious decisions to be made.
I had a few dreams...none were important. A couple weeks ago I dreamt that I got into a car accident and lost the baby. That one woke me up.
Another day...Thursday I might get to see Brandon! I'm excited. He'll be my one friend for a while. But he's a great one so I'm happy. I'm so glad we kept in touch.
I really miss Salvador. That's was my buddy. I wish he were a female. Maybe then it wouldn't have been so hard for him. I hope one day he decides to contact me again. I'm sorry I hurt you ninja. You know I just wanted friendship.
I am job hunting tomorrow. I really want to find one on 35th since things are soooo close down that street. I love it. There's a little of a lot of things lol.

I Feel Dead

I don't know the last time I laughed really hard. I used to laugh that hard every day, multiple times a day. It was my thing.
I used to sing and hum. Have trouble sleeping because I was just so happy and energetic.
All I want now is to just get through life. I don't even care to enjoy it. I'm lonely. No car. No job. No school.

To be completely honest I don't want this child anymore. I want them gone already. It's nothing personal. It's not you sweetheart, it's me.
I don't want an excuse to have Robert in my life. It's all so pathetic. Don't I seem bipolar?