Wasting Time

Is the worst thing you can do. It's the same thing as wasting life and wasting my youth. I need to get busy.

I'm Really Upset

I talked to Robert...he thinks he's doing better without my nagging and bitching he says his mind is at ease but to me he's doing very bad. He's getting himself into some serious trouble that I don't know if there's any coming back from.
I can tell he's changing but in very bad ways. It's scary. I don't like it. I haven't moved on from him obviously it's too soon but I think I might. I don't like the direction he is going and it's all bullshit to me. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm worried out of my mind. I don't want to wait until October I need to know he's okay everyday. The fucking people in his life either don't know what's going on or don't care. I think they're pretty capable of knowing what's going on though unless he already made up some lie.
I gotta let him know what's on my mind.

Heartbeat

Sounds exactly like a train...chugga chugga chugga chugga lol. My baby is alive.
The Dr stuck that thing in me to do the pelvic exam. She lubed that shit the fuck UP.
Since I haven't had sex in a long time it really hurt to even have her fingers in there :'( I usually get the slow motions when a man does it lol.
I may possibly get to find out the gender next appointment. September 19th. I think it'll still be too soon.
I hope it's a boy so bad. I felt so much closer to them today. I thought of Robert...how is face would've been...I think his heart would've been beating fast too.
I love you both. Baby Gonzalez-Hernandez and Robert.

Not To Compare

But I thought about what I would be giving up if I lost Jordan. This dude has such a bad reputation but only I know what happened between us. He and I actually. He has kept my secrets, took me on dates, got me gifts when we dated, picked me up when I needed him, attempted to improve me on numerous occasions and is overall an inspiration to me. He has wonderful morals.

My family has tortured this poor soul and he never gave up. I've tortured him. He still cares. I've never received bad advice from him.

Who is anyone to tell me he treated me bad? What has he done?

And Andy...lol my sweetheart. This guy has such a big heart and a great family. Andy would go any distance to hangout with me and always has ideas on what to do. He was a great listener and consistent texting buddy. Andy isn't picky and may be spoiled but he still knows how to make it up.

Salvador...man I don't even know where to start...this guy...was like my human diary. I was myself with him at all times. Effortless friendship. We were happy doing nothing together. I wish we were still talking Ninja. You were the only one who could handle my mood swings the proper way.
  

You 3 were my holy trinity of guy friends. All so different...yet I got along with all of you in my own ways.

I Can't Wait

Until October. I got some cutsie pregnant ideas lol. I gotta borrow somebody's kid that day...
I wanna dress my dogs up. Lol. It's cuter on little dogs.

Second Trimester

You feel way better like they said you would. Today is officially my first day of my second trimester. Now the baby will grow more rapidly than ever. I have some serious decisions to be made.
I had a few dreams...none were important. A couple weeks ago I dreamt that I got into a car accident and lost the baby. That one woke me up.
Another day...Thursday I might get to see Brandon! I'm excited. He'll be my one friend for a while. But he's a great one so I'm happy. I'm so glad we kept in touch.
I really miss Salvador. That's was my buddy. I wish he were a female. Maybe then it wouldn't have been so hard for him. I hope one day he decides to contact me again. I'm sorry I hurt you ninja. You know I just wanted friendship.
I am job hunting tomorrow. I really want to find one on 35th since things are soooo close down that street. I love it. There's a little of a lot of things lol.

I Feel Dead

I don't know the last time I laughed really hard. I used to laugh that hard every day, multiple times a day. It was my thing.
I used to sing and hum. Have trouble sleeping because I was just so happy and energetic.
All I want now is to just get through life. I don't even care to enjoy it. I'm lonely. No car. No job. No school.

To be completely honest I don't want this child anymore. I want them gone already. It's nothing personal. It's not you sweetheart, it's me.
I don't want an excuse to have Robert in my life. It's all so pathetic. Don't I seem bipolar?

My Eyeee

I needed to take my contacts the fuck  out. My right eye hurts so bad. :( I need glasses I'm not supposed to be wearing these fucking things all day.
I tried the oreo coolata lol. It was good. Really sweet.
My grandma is supposed to go to Joliet today to see a movie with her sisters. Shantell lives out there...I wonder if she'll be by her...I wonder how she's doing.
I'm gonna start officially putting my things away. I'm in a better mood today. Maybe because I woke up and wasn't sick for once.

Wait

Robert said that he doesn't understand what Jordan likes about me...that kinda made me upset. Jordan has always thought I looked stunning, Robert always thought I was funny. He said he doesn't get it because Jordan has pulled "badder bitches"...no one gets it. My looks never meant I had an ugly heart. I was never shallow. Jordan saw more than looks because believe me...I really did look different in my early teenage years. I looked great. But I was also a lot of fun.
I feel so fucking LONELY. I don't have anyone to call. I used to switch between Robert, Salvador and Jordan. This sucks.
My parents are both missing a few screws. So...forget them. I'm trying to think more positive I'm just nervous still. Lately I've really been wanting to do adoption. I can't see myself raising the baby. Another part of me is terrified of doing the adoption. What if I do back out and I end up breaking a lovely couple's heart? It would break my heart. :( Especially a gay couple. They're so beautiful to me.

Well

Today my phone updated itself. It looks kinda cool. It just looks different I don't see to many changes.
It's only day 2 and my bad feelings are setting in. I feel as though he really did leave me. I wonder what he's doing. Has he met somebody? Will he? I miss him. The thought of him being with someone else hurts way more than the thought of us not being together.
I wish life were easier like back in the day. Things are so complicated. My thoughts and feelings are all over the place.

I had cramps last night. But not like menstrual cramps in my ovaries. It was my uterus. I read that's normal though. That's supposed to happen. It just happened while I was alerting and it was uncomfortable. I think they'll hurt more in time. I'm kinda nervous I won't lie.

My Goals For The Next 2 Months

Short and simple...I want a job, to save up money, take driving lessons (finished by the end of October the latest), find out the gender of my baby, find out which school I'm going to and what for and to ultimately have a plan to move out by the time I'm 21. My one desire aside from it all is to win the heart of my soul mate again and keep it. I'll always have enough love left for you babe.

Not a day will go by that I don't think of you, not a second will go by where I don't love you. I'll see you again soon my love. With a plan for a future with us both.

Life Changes.

Today Robert (my baby's father) had his last conversation with me. He still wants to come back to me in exactly 2 months. Which would be October 9th. His plans for us consists of both of us working and improving ourselves as individuals with the end result being that we keep our child instead of adoption.
I'm not thrilled about this break but I have come to terms with it. I am hoping that in the end we fix ourselves once and for all and we fall madly in love again. I know he'll be scared to be with me again. But maybe will warm up to it after seeing how we can not only make a life together work, but have it be extraordinary.
R.I.P. to the old me, my friendship with Jordan, my self doubts and negative thoughts. I'm gonna get the life I want, with my new baby, and hopefully the man I love by my side. For the long haul, marriage type of shit.

I'm ready for you future. Bring it.